Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Top 10

I will get to the Top 10 list in a moment but let me explain my idea for it first.

I did something today that has been building in my mind for awhile.  I made amends for a "falling out" that happened over a year ago.  I cannot even remember the exact details for the collapse of the friendship.  I remember that it got mean and that it got gossipy amongst other friends. I remember that I quit a bunco group because of the divisions that it caused.  I let it fester and occasionally spoke of it for a few months and then let it go.  Whenever I saw the woman around the area I would avoid eye contact and give a fake hello if even that.  But something in me changed in the last year and especially in the last few months.  I have realized that I am as much to blame for the falling out as she was, if not for the initial fracture then for not trying to fix it.  I didn't value this woman and that friendship enough.  I didn't value myself enough at that time in my life to trust myself to reach out and try.  So today I got her number and reached out. I made my apologies for my part in the demise of the friendship.  It was a friendship that I wished had not died and I told her as much.  She accepted it gracefully and said she did not hold a grudge and said her goodbyes.  She did not apologize for her part in it.  Did I want her to say an apology?  In my thoughts I told myself that all I needed and wanted was to say that I was sorry for my part. I told myself that I did not need her to say that she was sorry for anything.  All I wanted was for her to hear me out.   But honestly, yes, deep in the recesses of my heart and mind I did want her to reciprocate.  Perhaps I caught her off guard and she could not do it on such short notice.  Perhaps she does not feel that she owes me any such apology.  I cannot assume to know how she feels.  It is behind us.  I did come away from that phone call feeling less fulfilled that I hoped.  I wanted to walk away feeling cleansed.  Instead I walked away feeling somehow sad and a little raw.  Did I over talk?  Did I reveal too much of myself?  Did I give away too much emotion in my voice?  Oh well, now it is done with.  I have said my apology and it was heartfelt and it was real.  I went into it with true intention of letting things go and moving on.  I am now alright with not getting one in return.

So, what is the "Top 10"?  Well, it is the Top 10 things that I am going to try to do everyday as I live my life.

1. Realize that I am human.  The things that I say and do will not always come out perfect.
2. It is never too late to make an apology.
3. "Crow" doesn't really taste that bad and a helping every now and then is alright.
4. Sometimes it really is best just to sit back and observe the situation around me and keep my mouth shut.
5. I do not always need to be the group spokesperson.
6. It is not good for my mental health to re-evaluate every single thing that I say and do all of the time.
7. The moral decisions will be hard to make but they are good ones.
8.  My children are my audience and I should never forget that.
9.  Sometimes just the action itself is the reward:  buying the stranger behind you in line their cup of coffee
10. Tomorrow is another chance

Maybe I should make it a Top 11 because I do want to make amends with all of the people in my life that I have hurt inadvertently or on purpose.  Although I hope that the latter is a shorter list. 
I don't know if this is doable.  I don't know if it is even something that I should do.  If it is a "can of worms" I am ready to open up.  I guess it goes back to #6 and thinking about what I have said and done to people and whether I need to apologize for those things.

Do any of you think about these kinds of things?  Or, perhaps am I destined for the looney bin?

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